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I wish I had something happy to write but I really don't.
Life continues to shit on me but I think I'm getting a little more used to it.
Kyle and I broke up. Some girls at the bar said he was cheating on me. I don't know who to believe.. he denied it. Honestly, I don't care enough to deal with it so I just ended it. He won't leave me alone and I have nothing to say. I'm disgusted and want him to leave me alone for just one day so I can think.

Also, Seth appologized for everything and we've been hanging out again. We're just friends but it's still a little odd... hmm..

I'm not sure what I'm doing in life.

I can't do this anymore.
I'll be in my bed.
Apparently Celexa really does make you suicidal. Who would have thought?
I'm thinking about dropping all of my classes and taking time off school until September. I need to get my meds straight and while they are mixing them around it's making school basically impossible. I can't focus, I can't sit still but I can hardly get out of bed. I can barely leave my house except to go to work so I can pay my bills. I am going to see an advisor on Thursday and try to figure it out so maybe I won't owe any money for this quarter. I really don't know how to go about this. Or how to tell my mom.

Apr. 6th, 2009

I just found and read my livejournal from when I was 15.
The only difference between me now and me then is that now I know better. Not that it changes a god damn thing.
Happy couples make me want to puke.
It's not that I don't think everyone deserves to be in live..
it's just that, it makes me sad that I can't ever feel that way about anyone.
At least not for more than a few weeks. Eventually things get fucked up or too serious and I shut myself off.
How do you relearn how to love?
How do you relearn how to trust?

I went to a party tonight at a friends. It should have been a fun party but I just couldn't get into it. One of my ex boyfriends was there and it was a little awkward because he was hardcore flirting with me.. and I didn't care enough to not flirt back. Yes, you read that right. I'm pretty sure he has a girlfriend so I should probably feel bad. Then again, I don't really.

Holly Golightly is getting so much bigger. =]
Is it possible to start things over knowing what I know now?
I will definitely aim to make better decisions from now on.
I stopped drinking awhile ago. I think it was a good decision.
Also, My antidepressants are getting all switched around. It's causing me hell right now because it isn't working for me hardly at all but hopefully it will end up being better when it's all straightened out.
Currently, I feel like I go back and forth from feeling zoned out like a zombie to intense feelings. . It's not that when I'm in this state I feel bad, it's just that I feel nothing. I feel empty.
Then suddenly I'll feel this wave of emotion. sometimes it's good and sometimes it's bad. Whatever the emotion is, it just overwhelms me and I can think of nothing else except for what I'm feeling.

Anyway, I'm sure everyone on lj is sick of hearing about my bullshit.

I was thinking about how things with Seth went down earlier. I don't think I hate him really. I just really don't understand why he is alienating everyone and fucking things up. then again, i understand. I've felt that way before, I've just never actually been proactive enough to ruin my life. Really I feel bad for him. He's spiraling out of control and is to proud to accept help. The stuff his friends say about him.. I don't think they'll be his friends much longer. I feel a  little bad that they've been hanging out with me lately.. but they call me.. and i like them.

I'm kinda talking to this guy but I really don't know if I'm ready to jump back into things. It's spring! I want to have fun! I feel like I need to approach being in a relationship completely different. I need to be like how I used to be. People I'm dating need to enhance my life, not make it. Too many men think I'm a concept.

I'm in my German 3 class. I was just told we have to do 10 minute topic presentations in German. Fuck My Life. I hate public speaking. It sends me into fits of anxiety. Maybe I can get my doctor to write a note saying I can't do it. I'm going to be worrying about it for the next 10 weeks.

Mar. 27th, 2009

I'm really losing confidence in my ability to trust anyone.
I feel myself falling into old habits and downfalls.
Isolating myself. Pushing people away. Avoiding public.
all in all just fucking shit up.

I think I've realized the basis of my depression though. Or at least an important part.
I'm looking for validation in all the wrong places. I'm getting things from others that I need to be getting from myself and I'm not allowing myself to get what I need from others. I feel lost and like I'm on the edge of breaking and I feel like no one realizes I'm slipping away.. or if they are, they don't know what to do. I can't blame them, I don't know what to do either or I'd do it.
Sometimes I just get sick of fighting this disease. I get sick of walking around acting like everything is fine. I'm sick of acting. It's exhausting.
I just checked my grades and definitely got a B in German 2... 2 weeks ago I had a 54%. Yayy for pumpin out the German at the last second. =]

Anyway, my car is acting all shitty so I have to take it in to have it looked at.
Then it's off to Blue Rock tonight and tomorrow night for some music and fun...

Also, I started starbucks in Meijer yesterday.. I've just been training but I think I'll like it. Also, I already have 40 hours for next week. Take that Victoria's Secret.
My whole life is falling apart.
I find myself in the middle of a depression and I can't find my way out.
I've been averaging 3-6 panic attacks a day...
My mom keeps trying to get me to call the doctor but it just sends me into a panic attack... so I hang up.
How does life get so fucked up?
Why does everything hit you at once?
I feel like I can't tell anyone because no one will really understand.
I don't know what to do anymore.